The Glorious World of Poverty

I used Food Stamps today, and it was embarrassing.

That’s not an emotion I’m used to feeling.

I had to start by checking whether or not Publix even took Food Stamps. I found a blog by some Publix employee who was lamenting the poor nutritional quality of the food people on Food Stamps purchase- sodas, candy bars, food for other people, etc. It served to reinforce everything I was already worried about.

But then I started to get upset.

I should state plainly that my horse sat pretty high a year or so ago. My wife is a veteran, graduated with honors, smart, funny, and capable. I hold a Masters in Educational Leadership. I’ve got almost 20 years’ experience. But none of it matters. We just can’t find work.

And things just keep getting worse. Our savings have been draining at an uncomfortable rate. Our family has been stalwart in their support, and have stated plainly they will keep doing so, but it’s not ideal. Not by a fair margin.

I should also make it plain that I’m still doing way better than most. One day soon we’re going to be able to leave this chapter in the rear view. We aren’t facing the kind of multi-generational poverty so many others are dealing with. Our family and friends can, would, and have supported us through this time. A lot of other people don’t have the support structure, credit score, and educational background we do. Remove any one of those pieces and we would also topple pretty quickly.

Here’s the thing: I don’t want to be here. If I could change my circumstances, I would. Lord knows I’m trying. It’s a deeply depressing experience. You do all you can, take what work you can get, and wonder where exactly you turned right instead of left leading to this particular slice of shame.

Which brings us back to Publix.

So here’s my takeaways:

·        There’s a lot to be said for sanity. For feeling human. If I want to buy my kid a candy bar, or I want a 12 pack of soda, that’s my business. I don’t need you reviewing my groceries to see if anything fails to live up to your expectation. You have no idea what we’re facing.

·        As to buying food for friends: there’s folks in a lot worse way, who can’t get Food Stamps because Government. They still need to eat. It also may have been in trade. I can’t pay you to fix my car (which I need to go to work), but I can get you some groceries. Again, you have no idea.

·        It is humiliating to use the assistance. I have chosen to be very public, because I want other people to know they aren’t alone. But some people react by becoming defensive. Some lash out. Some give up. Regardless, they don’t need more judgmental glances from the people in their community. They need hope.

·        Yes, there are people abusing the system. However, if waste is the concern, look at the top of the food chain, not the bottom. There’s a whole lot more abuse amongst the rich and powerful, and it costs you a hell of a lot more.

·        Lastly, and this is important: No one wants to be here. No one looks at the Food Stamps, WIC, and Medicaid and think, “Finally! I’ll never work again. I’ll just wallow in poverty for the rest of my life.” They want out. We want out. But we need help. Yes, there are probably a few exceptions who are planning on wallowing in poverty for the rest of their lives. Pity those souls. Pray for them. Don’t judge them.

As a post script, a quick note to my fellow Christians: Caring for the poor? This is your job. Jesus went out of his way, over and over again, to tell us to care for the poor. The widows. The orphans. And please, don’t tell me the Church should be caring for the poor instead of the government. The Church isn’t. When it does, I’ll listen to your complaints. I’ve worked intimately with several churches. I’ve seen the way they tend to treat the poor and needy. Jesus wouldn’t weep if he was there; he’d reach for the damn whip.

The... What? Stages of Nostalgia? Gimmie a break...

So I've been rather nostalgic lately... I'm often nostalgic. Not even to a certain time, mind you, but towards my life in general. I'm a very lucky man, and I've had a great life, so there's a lot to look back fondly on/ Call it bragging if you'd like, but I've made it a point to enjoy as much of my life as I can, and it provides much rosier glasses for reflection, in addition to the myriad of other obvious benefits of accentuating the positive.

But then, in this random moment, the nostalgia turned bitter. I have no idea what brought it on- it's hardly been a bad day... or a bad couple weeks. There's plenty to look forward to. But this bitterness came on strong, and I could- dumb as it sounds- almost feel it trying to take root in my heart. I suppose it was like trading out rosy colored glasses for ones shaded with... resentment? decay?

Maybe it's got something to do with the feeling like I'm the only one (well, not ONLY one...) interested in hanging onto the past. I don't think my best days are behind me- far from it- but I consider it a beautiful thing if you can have just one friend that you have known for 10... 15... 20 years. The only thing better is to have more than one. Or a dozen. Call me old-fashioned, but a friend who I have 15 years invested in is worth a hell of a lot to me, simply by virtue of the time invested. They're someone I want to hang onto. And that puts me in a pretty small minority.

"Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on to. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, for as the older you get, the more you'll need the people you knew when you were young."

Random quotes from 90s music aside, I think the bitterness was the feeling of isolation from people I had really wanted to hang on to. And the reason I knew that sleep wasn't coming to me anytime soon. So, instead, I'll send out one more whiny-ass bitchy blog into the world for no reason other than my own piece of mind. Whats the point of a blog no one reads, you might ask? So you can feel no guilt sharing that which no one wants to hear. Hell, I don't want to listen to it either... that's what makes the whole damn thing so cathartic.

I Bet Jesus Loves Overalls

My damn tooth broke.

That has nothing to do with anything, just a snapshot of how life is going for Al Sterling these days. Finding work is difficult, so far it's just been a serious of almost and that close... for a while, I understood the Psalms in a whole new way. I truly felt a separation from God, like my prayers were unheard and God had turned away from me...

...then a few days ago I started to feel God again, I can't really explain it in any real way, best I can do is to say that I felt a comfort and confidence that I had no call to be having... then things got worse (Did my tooth just fall out? What the hell?!?!)

...I'm blogging while DJing an ice skating rink. I bet not many bloggers have done that... a kid just gave me $5 to play his song. I feel guilty, he's like 12. Of course, I took the money... also, never ask the DJ what the next song is. It's insulting...

...I feel like leaving Korea early was a mistake, and the problems we hit following that led to one bad choice after another... don't read too much into that... but my predicament right now feels a bit like the result of one shitty set up after another. Hindsight is always 20/20... all that, however, doesn't change the feeling that God and I are chatting again...

I wanna be a youth minister more than anything. That was, without hesitation, the happiest I've ever been... it wasn't the easiest time (mid-Korea wins that one), but it was a time when I knew I was doing what I was suppose to.

I'm Just Sayin.

-Al

Thoughts on the election

...it's hard to be a conservative.

I'm trying to keep it to myself. The entire damn planet is enjoying this wonderful moment of sunshine as Americans give themselves a huge pat on the back because they elected a black man. They finally got rid of Bush. They, in a single decisive vote, changed their destiny.

I'm just not so optimistic.

It's nothing against Obama. He seems like a really nice guy. He certainly is a great speaker. But as the euphoria of the moment wears off I'm afraid not much has changed in a way that will make a damn bit of difference. The American government is still overwhelmingly bloated with special interests, corruption, and a level of bureaucracy that is mind-boggling. A Democrat-run executive and legislative branch isn't going to change any of that. I'll go ahead and tell you why you don't want to read any more of this:

• I voted McCain.
• I think history will be a hell of a lot kinder to Bush than folks realize.
• I think people are dumb. Period.
• The only place a president has any real clout is in foreign policy. Our situation has rarely been so convoluted, so entrenched, or so downright scary. And Obama knows diddly about it. Imagine tossing the keys to the car to your 16 year old with the worst driving conditions possible. Sure, Biden is riding shotgun, and he certainly knows his stuff, but any parent will tell you that only one person has access to the pedals.

For the record, I'm a Libertarian. I'd have voted that way, but the militancy thing makes me a little nervous. Not that Barr was keeping Obama up at night...

...in the end, I support the president. I supported Bush through it all. Yes, the man made some mistakes, but not nearly as many as people seem to think.

Tell ya what I am wondering about. When Obama screws something up big time- and he will, not because he's a bad president but because he's human. That, and he's in a pretty much no-win situation- how will the world's memory be then? Their memory was pretty short when it came to Iraq...

That's it. Sorry if I rained on anyones parade. I doubt it though... if Obama was found with a dead body and a bloody knife people would only believe he's preparing to raise it from the dead. That fanatic adoration of Obama makes me even more nervous. The position of Messiah is already filled, and I worry about how they'll react when he's revealed as flesh and blood like the rest of us...